Cheney At Home

Dick Cheney At Home

Dick Cheney sits, dials a cellphone.

Cheney: Hey, Bob, this is Dick. Cheney. How the hell are you? Good, good. Oh, can't complain. [Pause.] Hey, we're turning a corner! Victory is just about to fall in our lap. I tell you, the media distorts everything. Anyway, I called because I'm putting together a hunting party... Hello? Hello? [Looks at the phone.] These cheapo phones. I better call him back. [Dials.] Busy signal. [He dials again.] Hey, it's Dickie-Bird! How the hell are you? Fine. [Pause.] Right. You know, we're turning a corner! This surge is... [Pause.] Right. Anyway, I'm calling about a hunting... Hello? Jack? [He dials again.] Hey, it's the Dickster! How the hell are you? That's good. Oh, fine. [Pause.] You know, we're turning a corner! Watching CNN is like looking in a funhouse mirror! [Pause.] Anyway, I'm trying to put together a hun... Hello? [Pause.] Lynn?

Lynn: [Offstage.] Yes, Dick-O?

Cheney: You know what the problem is? The media! No one wants to go hunting anymore because the media makes them feel sorry for the poor little ducks!

Lynn: You are so right, Dick-boy!

Cheney: It's pathetic!

Lynn: You got it, Dickalizer!

Cheney: But you're not like that, Lynn! You're tough as bronze! You're not afraid to pick up a gun and hunt a few mallards, are you, Lynn? Lynn? Lynn?

Curtain