Chased By Donny Osmond!

I admit it. I've lived in Provo, Utah. Twice. The second time was for an excellent college education. The first time was to get out of the Bible Belt, away from my uber-conservative parents, and to indulge in the inane behavior of a 20-year-old. The only friends I had outside Virginia lived in Utah. So, there I went. As you might imagine, the Osmond family owns Provo, Utah. So, it came as no surprise to me when I saw them randomly in town. Or the fact that several of them lived on a street in the hills called-- you guessed it!-- Osmond Lane. Once upon a psychotic day, this woman, Dottie, passed through town; I met her through a mutual friend who worked for the Osmonds. Dottie was an Osmo freak. When I told her I knew where Donny lived, she passed gas and fainted dead away. Once revived, I promised her I would show her his house. Osmond Lane meanders around in a circular fashion. Hopping in Dottie's car-- me, skulking down in the back seat-- we drove past Donny's house for the first time. Dottie swooned at the gorgeous home of the hugest teen idol of the 1970s. We circled around a second time. And there he was! Standing right outside his garage without a shirt. Donny Osmond and his hairy beefchest. Dottie suddenly stopped, pulled out a camera, and snapped a photo. At that very moment, Donny looked up. Not a happy camper! Dottie insisted we circle around a third and final time. At this point, I had ensconced myself completely between the springs under the front seat. She tried for a second photo, but Donny was nowhere to be seen. That's because he had hopped into his BMW and was speeding round the block to baseball bat our HEEDS! He caught us mid-circle, going in the opposite direction, and with his window down, he screeched, "STOP!" We did. I was practically inside the trunk by now. "Don't do that," Donny Osmond said, his face all afurrow, his dark locks all askew, his window open and he so sweaty, his burly beefchest freakishly close to us. "This is my private home and my private life, and I have to have that." Dottie apologized profusely, staring down at his pubey pec hairs. Donny did not confiscate the film. I still have a photo somewhere of a twenty-something Donny Osmond. He is very hairy. And very hot. And very pissed! Please visit me at www.myspace.com/sharonnichols for more psychotic behavior! Runly!