Warm Food From her Mouth

Crazy Mother Love

by Bethany Saltman, November 12, 2007

So Azzie, now almost 22 months old — almost 2 years old — likes to eat her food — apple slices, chicken, even cheese — chew it up good, then spit it out, leaving a trail through our small house, or, better yet, assuming I’m on the ball, letting it fall right into my open hand. Pretty gross, I know. But what’s even more gross is that I kind of like (ok, I totally love) the feeling of her cud-like refuse in my hand. It’s so warm. It’s like snuggling up to the inside of her mouth. And that’s a good thing. That’s crazy mother love, I guess.

I never thought I’d feel this way about anyone, particularly someone who does so little for me! It’s not like Azalea ever cooks me dinner after a grueling day; she never rubs my back, buys me something nice, pays the bills, or cleans the kitchen. And even though she says please with increasingly splendid frequency (more fish, please), she really never says thank you. In all the ways we are used to keeping score in love, Azalea fails miserably. In other words, it’s not like “mature” love, this thing between us. It’s more like the heart that swells when we fall in love: She is so damn cute, in fact, far cuter than any other. She is more brilliant, ambrosia-scented, stylish, generous and well-behaved than any of her toddler peers. She is Number One in the universe, as if we were destined to be together, two pieces of a (DNA) puzzle, now complete. As if before I met her, I missed her. It’s not true, of course. But if feels that way.

And as much as all of my smart, loving, kind, and correct friends remind me that it is the repairing of relationship that will make her strong, not some sanitary perfection, I, in A’s words, don’t like it. I know there will be walls between us, big, small, monumental, even devastating. I know she will roll her eyes at me, at best, and we all know what the at-worst can look like. But accepting it feels nearly impossible. I guess in some ways I am still on, like, an early date!

I am still struggling in my ridiculously constant way to make sense of who I am again. To redefine all of my ways of being in the world with this new insanity in the background.

I must say, it’s getting easier.